The Unabridged Sorting Hat Poem
by Deep Forest Green
Summary: This is what the Sorting Hat would have said if it had had more time. Eat your heart out, J.K. Rowling.


As most of you already know,

But I shall tell you anyway,

I am the Sorting Hat, and though

I'm just a piece of cloth, I say

That I have wisdom great, and so

I can't think of a better way

To send you off and end the day.

As you may have guessed by now,

This is my favorite part by far

Of the year; the rest of it

I sit alone and wonder how

The students all are doing

On their papers and exams

While in Headmaster's office

It's hard to give a damn.

So think of me one morning

When you're finishing a test

Remember that I'm sitting there

And wishing you the best.

Before the hour is done, you know

I will have sorted all of you

According to criteria

That have served us long and true.

Sit on this stool, relax your head

I promise I won't bite;

And if you all cooperate

I know I'll get it right.

Some of you will be quite hard;

I'll take my precious time;

This is called a Hatstall

So bear with me as I rhyme.

I won't give up until I've found

The house that's right for you;

Just like a caring counselor,

I want what's best for you.

Others will be easier;

I'll barely touch your head

Before I shout my choice out loud

And end all of your dread.

"No House" is not an option;

I have to sort you all;

For the great founders told me so

And I must heed their call.

With a thousand years' experience,

I never can go wrong;

I have a brain for this purpose

And for this purpose alone.

I cannot help you with your tests

Or do trigonometry;

But no one doubts I am the best

In telling you, with smiles and zest,

Which House you ought to be.

I never shall retire from this,

I never shall grow old;

For I have ears, and through the years

Got secrets in my folds.

I saw your folks come through this spot

And likely their folks too;

And so on for generations,

Dating back to Waterloo.

I am, you see, immortal

And though I must admit

That I am dusty and worn out,

In my mind there is not doubt

I'm not senile a bit.

I am a hat, and as a hat

I am not prone to error,

Nor prejudice of human minds

Like bigotry or terror.

Frankly, I have no idea

What this school would do

If they were to lose me;

No one would have a clue.

Certainly no human

Could be trusted with the task

Of sorting all you students,

No matter whom you ask.

Likewise, I think I would not

Be able to stand

To separate from my beloved

Hogwarts motherland.

I am as much a part of it

As it is of me;

I'm practically attached to it

As all can clearly see.

Let me recount a little tale

Which you may already know

Of two witches and two wizards

Who lived long, long, long ago.

It's a true story; they live on

Though they are all departed;

Their legacy continues

Through the school that they had started.

It was a dangerous time

To be a wizard or a witch;

Magic people lived in fear

Of some old Mudblood snitch.

Muggles hunted wizards down

And put them all on trial;

Their magic couldn't save them

From the punishments so vile.

The founders dared to dream

Of no more Muggle persecution,

Thus a magic boarding school

Seemed the only good solution.

Back in the Middle Ages,

Around 1000 A.D.,

The founders got together

And-guess what-created me.

Well, okay, not really;

I was already a hat,

But they endowed me with a mind

To be much more than that.

Godric cast a spell on me

To make me talk and sing;

And now, except for walking,

I can do most anything.

I'm sure you students will agree

I have a lovely voice;

And I must make it loud and clear

When telling you my choice.

Each founder made a special house

With its own different face;

And now that they have left this earth,

I sort you in their place.

Alas, on one point Slytherin

Did differ from his friends;

He believed that Muggle-borns

Would bring about their ends.

Naturally, he did not trust

Those with mixed ancestry;

For they could expose the magic world

And bring wizards to their knees.

The others ostracized him

Till he packed up and left

And since that day old Hogwarts school

Has been, well, quite bereft.

Let's profit by these examples

And learn from their mistakes

And try to heal old Hogwarts' wounds

No matter what it takes.

The House that I've selected

Will be your second home

For the next seven years until

You all are big and grown.

You'll all be different people

Because of what I choose;

I'll look inside your mind

And through its crevices peruse.

Rest assured, I am nor biased;

No House is better than another;

I do not judge you well or ill

Nor put you with your brother.

Look around at older kids;

They all were standing here once, too;

They were cute and terrified

And clueless, just like you.

Your professors all will push you

To be all that you can be;

But your qualities and values

Are what matter most to me.

Pure bloods oft go to Slytherin,

As is abundantly clear

By the way I put them there

Year by year by year.

Mudbloods can be sorted

Into any other House,

Though a Mudblood Slytherin

Must be particularly ambitious;

For they are often bullied

By their teachers and their peers

Just because they aren't full-blooded

Witches or wizards.

With that said, old Slytherin

Is oft misunderstood;

Just because you're self-preserving

Doesn't mean you can't be good.

If it's nonjudgmental you want,

Hufflepuff is right for you.

They will treat you equally

No matter what you do.

Hufflepuffs are kind and loyal,

They make the best team players;

While the other houses' reputations

Make them out to be loners.

Another little detail

That I shan't neglect to mention

Is that Hufflepuffs can find things

That evade others' attention.

Hufflepuffs are often last

But certainly not least;

A badger, when it's fighting,

Is a quite ferocious beast.

Ravenclaw is right for you

If you're quirky and eccentric;

This house will fit right over you

Just like two circles concentric.

Ravenclaws are clever folk

And like the finer things;

They're also optimistic

About what the future brings.

Ravenclaws are studious

And get the highest grades;

They get along with others

But can see through their facades.

Yet I think that books and such

Are highly overrated;

When you're fighting evil wizards,

Too much thinking is ill-fated.

Finally, there's Gryffindor.

Home of the brave and bold,

Their students do heroic deeds

Whose stories are oft told.

Yet they have a tendency

To be arrogant and proud;

They like to defy authority

And do things not allowed.

Other children envy them

And treat them with respect;

True warriors are Gryffindors;

Their school they will protect.

They also have quite a rivalry

Going on with Slytherin;

So if you're not confrontational,

Avoid this house, my friend.

I've made it sound quite simple,

But often it is not.

Sometimes I will put you

Where you never would have thought.

You might have hidden courage

That would lead me to believe

That you belong in Gryffindor,

Though your looks may deceive.

Many find these reputations

To be extrememly daunting.

But I trust you can live up to them

If your virtues you are flaunting.

Best beware your vices, though,

For they can say as much

'Bout who you are as your good points,

And I may sort you as such.

In just one instant, I know you

Better than you know yourself.

I always stand by my choices

When I go back on the shelf.

There is just one more thing to note,

Which I almost always hide;

I must tell you of the relic

That is lodged quite deep inside.

It is the sword of Gryffindor-

Don't worry, you won't feel it-

But in a moment of great need,

I can to you reveal it.

Only a true Gryffindor

Can wrest the sword from me;

It is no toy, but rather

A responsibility.

With it, any peril

Can be eas'ly overthrown;

The trouble's what to do with it

When its use it has outgrown.

Now my time is almost done,

So I shall wrap this up.

I hope you have enjoyed my song

And now, you'll get to sup.

But don't wait for me to tell you

Which House you should be in!

Now that you know the choices,

Make your own decision!

I will take into account

Which House you want to be;

So if you do not like your House,

Don't come crying to me!


End file.
